This is the Webster’s Dictionary definition. For me, the other day, it sounded more like this; Mom I can’t wear any of the jeans you bought me four months ago because they are out of style, “they don’t scream my name”. To give you a little history on me shopping for my two girls at any age, I don’t often buy things when they aren’t present and they have a lot of say in what is actually purchased. (I will save the story for another posting). So on that note, I was surprised to find out that the jeans my youngest picked out no longer “screamed her name”. But I am a mom who rolls with the punches and Dad is a dad who doesn’t think we should rush out to spend money on new jeans when the ones she has still fit. So we set out to make the jeans “scream her name” again.
This issue was sparked when one daughter came downstairs in a pair of jeans that where so tight you couldn’t pinch them off of her skin. Now in a weird twist of fate they have three pairs of the same jeans in three different sizes. She happened to have the smallest pair of the jeans on at the time. I gave her the mother look and said, “What do you have on? Those jeans are too tight. Do you not have any jeans that fit? Do we need to buy you more pants? What is going on?” Of course, both of the girls heard “buy you more pants”. Yes Mom, Yes Mom we need more pants; we don’t fit our pants anymore. I told the girls, bring every pair of jeans you own to me right now. Put them into piles by size, not by to who they belong. As we go through the jeans it is determined that someone has lost weight and the other one had a growth spurt. Okay easy fix, these bigger jeans are now yours and the smaller ones are now yours problem solved, look Dad I saved some money. Oh these are yours and they fit but you don’t like them anymore. Michael’s to the rescue, we can do something to make them “scream your name”.
Teenagers and parents are always in a tug of war about many things and one big thing is style. Determining your style is part of figuring out who you are as a person, which goes back to parents feeling scared and powerless. My oldest daughter has a muted sense of style. She wears neutral colors, no make-up and hasn’t tried to pull of anything to inappropriate as far as skirt lengths. Her only requests are touches of purple and Coach bags, shoes anything. The Coach situation is not as bad as it sounds (more details in the shopping blog) suffice to say she is reasonable and the Coach Outlet store has a mind blowing sale during the weeks after Christmas. So the oldest daughter set a false sense of security for us which the youngest shatters every week. My youngest daughter likes to express herself with color, bright clashing colors and zebra print, don’t forget the zebra print. She pulls it off well, if you like that sort of bright clashing color look. Now you might be asking yourself why I let her have that stuff if I don’t like it. The answer is the lesson in this story. She has to have the creative freedom to become who she is going to become.
What I have learned and what you as a parent of teens needs to understand; is to set the boundaries and make them non-negotiable but set them based on your child’s safety and not your need for control. For example, our daughters have started to want to wear skirts, the boundary: you must wear leggings. The youngest wants to have bright colored hair, the boundary is: clip in hair or fake hair braided into her hair. Set boundaries that allow your teenagers to figure themselves out but don’t permanently damage or alter them. My daughters have separately come to me recently and asked for a second hole in their ears. The oldest one actually said matter-of-factly, “Mom I am ready for my second hole.” I gave them both different reasons and arguments but ultimately the answer is no, boundary: get some clip on earrings.
Find ways for your teenagers to express their style with safely and reasonably set boundaries. This doesn’t have to be one of the wars you wage with your teenagers. If you allow them to express themselves in their dress you may see that they don’t take more drastic measures to express themselves. Some of the boundaries in our house are nothing with skulls, no short shorts or skirts, nothing too tight, nothing too grown, revealing or sexy. The girls know if we start arguing about an item I will walk out of the store and they will get nothing. That includes if they are buying it with their own money. They know the boundaries, we reasonably relax them as the girls grow and they stay within them even when they are out shopping on their own.
See you next Tuesday for another edition. Follow this blog if you want to receive notice that a new adventure in parenting is posted.
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